


no one told me that grief felt so much like fear

by stillstanding



Series: A Grief Which Ebbs and Flows [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Working Through Grief, minor character death in the past, they love each other and learn to move forward, this is right after Nursey finds out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 03:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30049011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillstanding/pseuds/stillstanding
Summary: Dex squeezes his hand 3 times before Nursey unwraps the urn to scatter the ashes and Nursey says a silent prayer of love and safety for his sister before letting her go. They stand under the moonlight and watch the waves lap the shore for a while longer. Before heading back, before heading home.
Relationships: Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter
Series: A Grief Which Ebbs and Flows [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2210538
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	no one told me that grief felt so much like fear

**Author's Note:**

> Hey this can be read as a standalone but is a companion prequel to my fic “looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid”

Nursey could still feel a ring reverberating through his ears as he heard the dial tone on his phone signaling that his mother hung up. He felt like everything stopped as he set his phone down to the table, everyone in the coffee shop continued to move around and he just sat there. Nursey felt like he was stuck, like he was frozen in this moment, like he would always be frozen in this moment. Nursey couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t call anyone. He just sat there and watched the clock tick by while he stayed there, his coffee going cold at his side, his laptop still open on the table in front of him.  
Eventually, Nursey heard someone slide into the seat next to him. He felt an arm placed placatingly on his shoulder and finally moved his head and saw Dex’s face staring back at him. His eyes were shining with concern and Nursey could feel his eyes begin to hurt from finally coming into focus for the first time in hours. Dex took one look at Nursey and began to take deep breaths. Slow and steady. He continued for a couple of minutes until Nursey was copying him and was finally able to breathe again.  
They sat in silence for a couple more minutes Nursey continuing to take deep breaths while Dex began to pack up things. Nursey still felt numb. He sat while Dex finished packing things up and let Dex pull him up so that they could start the trek home. Dex’s hand felt solid and warm in his. It felt real, when nothing else did. So Nursey focused on that feeling as they headed out. He let Dex pull him into their car and maneuver him into the passenger seat and pull on his seatbelt. Nursey felt particularly useless in this moment but couldn’t even find the energy to feel embarrassed. He just sat there. Watched as Dex fiddled with the radio and let some music fill the car, all of it simply sounding like white noise to him and leaned his head against the passenger window. He looked out the window and let himself continue to focus on Dex’s hand in his. He made sure to focus on the small tangible things because if he lets himself think about anything else he’s sure that he would fall apart, and Nursey doesn’t think that he would be able to put himself together after this time.  
Nursey didn’t even notice the car had stopped and they were parked in front of their apartment until he felt Dex’s hand leave his and he turned to find the other side of the car empty. He felt the car door next to him open and the cold November air rush into the car. Dex’s hands were still warm as they moved to unbuckle Nursey’s seatbelt and pull him out of the car. He let Dex pull him into the warm haven that was their apartment. Once they were inside Dex set Nursey on coach and headed to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Without Dex’s hand in his Nursey felt unmoored on the couch. All alone. He pushed his shoes off and moved to lay on the couch, turning to his side and trying to make himself as small as possible. Thinking that maybe if he tried hard enough and made himself small enough nothing would be able to reach him here in this fortress he created for himself.  
Sitting on this couch he felt the memories of him laying his head on her lap while she ruffled through his hair, distracting him with stories that she made up to keep all of his monsters at bay. He laid there and remembered that he would never get to do that again, that he’d have to learn how to fight his monsters on his own. And suddenly the grief and truth of what this meant began to hit Nursey and he began to cry. His whole chest began to heave with the weight of his sobs. He could feel his face soak with tears as he finally let himself cry and feel everything.  
He didn’t even notice when Dex came back to the living room until he slotted himself behind Nursey and held him through his sobs. It was a tight fit but they laid there. Nursey falling apart into pieces while Dex held him, trying to help him as best as he could. Finally the tears stopped coming and Nursey just laid there sniffling, he finally began to rub his eyes and moved to sit up, and began to take inventory of his body. He wiggled his fingers and his toes desperate to feel something, to feel like he was still at home in his body. He felt like his whole body was strung tight and he could feel his entire body aching from just the effort of trying to sit up.  
He tried to figure out where his grief sat this time. When his grandma died when he was just a little kid Nursey felt like his grief made a home in his throat and was unable to speak for an entire month. This time it felt like his grief settled in his gut. He could feel a pit in his stomach and felt like his entire body was sagging with its weight. He felt nauseous and ravenous all at once but he just continued to sit there. He could feel Dex scrambling to find something that he could do, any way he could help but right now Nursey had nothing to offer. Eventually Dex settled on handing Nursey a cup of tea, chamomile, his favorite. Nursey let the tea warm up his fingers and slowly began to slip. Letting the methodical process of drinking tea ground him.  
He could hear Dex talking to him and trying to ask him questions but his brain kept relegating it to background noise, and Nursey just couldn’t make himself focus. So he just kept drinking his tea while Dex went about ordering food and filling the room with the sounds of the tv. Eventually he felt Dex leave the couch and by the time he turned to look Dex was sitting back down with 2 plates of Chinese food in his hands. He handed Nursey a plate of food and just the smell of food made Nursey nauseous, but he knew that he had to at least eat something. Nursey managed about five bites of food before the aching gut in his stomach got too much and he set his plate down on the living room table.  
Dex moved to put their plates into the sink and returned to take Nursey to their bedroom, but Nursey couldn’t move. He was scared to leave the living room where the static and white noise of the tv was enough to drown out his scariest of his thoughts and the bedroom all that awaited him was silence and he couldn’t deal with that not yet. So he didn’t move. Dex disappeared into the darkness of their room and Nursey was scared that he had to spend this night alone. Then just a couple of minutes later Dex reappeared with hoards of blankets and pillows and set about making a blanket fort in the living room. Nursey watched on unable to truly articulate how grateful he was for Dex, for this. He was so glad that Dex didn’t act like this was a big deal and simply met him right where he was.  
Once Dex set up the pillow fort both of them settled in and Nursey laid his head on Dex’s chest and listened to his heart beat soft and steady, tucked away in this small and safe space. Nursey finally heard Dex’s breaths even out as he finally fell asleep and finally exhaustion took him over and Nursey fell into a fitful sleep. Nursey woke up a couple hours later with a start. He looked around and saw that it was still dark out and slowly went about extricating himself for Dex’s grasp and headed to their kitchen. He mindlessly set about on making himself a cup of tea and was grateful for its warmth as he drank it in the dark.  
Nursey grabbed a blanket and went out the window onto the fire escape and sat down wrapping his blanket around him . He relished in the harsh bite of the wind on his face and slowly slipped his tea as he saw the first dregs of light filter through the city. After a while he heard Dex join him on the fire escape and moved to let him burrow under the blanket with him. Dex kissed his forehead and they sat there together, still in silence, as they watched the sun rise. Nursey knew that they would have to talk about all of this eventually but right now they sat here sitting on their fire escape.  
Finally they both headed back into their apartment. Nursey knew that he had a lot to do, that he had to make funeral arrangements, and call off work, and write a eulogy, and deal with condolences and he could feel his head begin to pound just thinking of everything that he had to do. Nursey guesses that his anxiety was written all over his face because Dex sets into action. 

“Baby what’s wrong? What do you need? What can I do for you?” He rambles. 

“I just my whole world is falling apart and I still have so much to do, I have to call my mother about the funeral arrangements, and I have to find a caterer for the wake, and I have to let my editor know that I need an extension and some time off, and I have to write a eulogy and figure out dates for the funeral, and then I have to answer all the condolences and go through her things. And it’s all too much and I’m not ready to do any of it. To do anything without her.” Nursey said his sentences getting faster and faster till he was completely out of breath and he could feel his heart racing and his hands begin to shake. 

“Der, Baby” Dex said, taking Nursey’s face between both of his hands “Breathe ok. All you need to do right now is breathe with me” and Nursey did matching his Dex’s breath until his heart stopped racing. 

Once Nursey looked better Dex began to talk again “Ok first of all you don’t have to do any of this alone, you and me we’re a team, and right now you’re hurting, and that’s ok so I’m gonna pick up the slack a little bit right now okay. I’ll deal with all the condolences and your editor while you talk to your mom and then we’re gonna regroup okay” he said touching their foreheads together and then gave him a quick kiss before they went about their tasks.  
Nursey sat on the kitchen counter and stared at his phone. He moved to punch in his mothers phone number into his phone and sat and stared, he couldn’t gather up the nerve to press the call button. He wasn’t ready to sit there and deal with the complexities of a conversation with his mother, of this conversation with his mother. He wasn’t ready to fight with her to make sure his sister got what she wanted. He wasn’t ready to deal with the fights between his mother and his father and mama. He wasn’t ready to do any of this without his sister, a steadfast presence, his rock, at his side. He sat there for what felt like hours but was most likely just a couple of minutes before he hit the call button.  
He heard the ringing fill the room, the noise seeming to suck all of the air out of the room before he heard the click that signified his mother picked up the phone. And he let out a breath. 

“Hello ammi” he says, feeling smaller than he has in a long time. 

“Hi habibi, I’ve been waiting for your call since last night” Nursey let out a silent sigh at that, and began to pick at his fingernails, the passive aggressiveness starting already. 

“I know I’m sorry I just needed a little bit of time to gather myself before I was ready to talk”

“Well I would have appreciated a heads up at least, mama will tell you that I was worried sick all of last night. You know that you’re not the only one that’s dealing with this, this affects all of this too” Nursey began to pick harder at his nails relishing in the way that it stung. 

“I know that ammi, but I needed some time. I just, I just, I needed some time” he says barely holding back a sob. “Anyway I called to talk about the funeral. I know that Nadia wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered in the ocean so I was thinking that I could call a crematorium and handle everything on that front” Nursey says. 

“No, we have an empty burial plot for Nadia in mama’s family’s graveyard and I want to be able to bury her there” his mother says, her voice stern and strong. 

“Nadia wanted to be buried, ammi. And I’m not going to budge from that ok I know that you don’t like this, but this about Nadia and I’m not backing down, not when it is about this ok. I’m going to call the crematorium later today and you’re going to have to deal with it” Nursey says before he hangs up the phone. He puts his elbow on the kitchen counter and rubs at his eyes with the heel of his palms fruitlessly trying to stop himself from crying. 

Dex finds him there crying at the kitchen counter and moves to wrap him up in a hug. Shushing him and slowly rubbing his back, aptly aware of how Nursey is after conversations with his mother. Dex sets about to make a list of everything that they have left to accomplish, ready to be useful. They begin to divide up the tasks and Nursey makes his way through the list. In the next hour Nursey calls the crematorium and gets the whole thing set up, while Dex deals with the caterers and they set up the wake in the back of an old restaurant on Sunday. Nursey feels thoroughly exhausted and moves to lay back down on the remnants of their blanket fort from last night.  
He turns the tv back on and can hear the tell-tale sounds of Dex cooking in their kitchen. He moves to rub the bridge of his nose and try to relieve the pressure that feels like it has built up behind his eyes. Soon Dex brings in a bowl of minestrone soup and freshly made garlic bread. Once again Nursey only manages to eat a couple of spoonfuls of soup before giving up and laying back down. He sets his head on Dex’s lap and lets the feeling of Dex’s hands pulling through his hair lull him to sleep. He wakes up, feeling groggy and disoriented and can hear the soft sounds of the tv playing some random infomercial and Dex’s voice on the phone.  
Dex hasn’t noticed that he’s still asleep so he takes this moment to drink him in. He can see the dark eye bags that have settled under Dex’s eyes, and his skin looks a little paler than usual. But more than anything Dex is solid and dependable and has stepped up to be here for Nursey. He thinks about how far they’ve come, how he trusts Dex completely. Allows himself the time to think about how this place that they’ve built is completely theirs. He thinks about how his sister grew to love Dex and watched him grow through the countless phone calls Nursey shared with his sister, how she was happy that he had him. Nursey thinks that even though it feels like everything is falling apart he still has one thing, this wonderful and beautiful thing.  
He begins to sit up resting his head on Dex's shoulder as continues to talk, letting a small smile grace his face as soon as he sees Nursey’s face. He grabs his hand and rubs circles around Nursey’s knuckles and Nursey hears Dex talking to the newspaper about putting out an obituary. Finally Dex hangs up and turn to Nursey. 

“Hi how are you feeling” he asks. 

“Okay I guess a little better now that I’ve slept” he says with a shrug “I fought with my mother” he offers quietly. 

“I figured as much” Dex says “what was it this time” 

“She wanted Nadia to be buried in mama's family plot. She doesn’t even give a shit about what Nadia wanted it’s just always about what she wants and I just can’t give it to her this time” Nursey says while picking at the skin around his nails. 

“I’m sorry” Dex says “If you want I can handle all of the stuff with your mother” 

“No this is something that I have to do by myself” Nursey says “For Nadia, but thank you so much for everything” 

“Hey I got your back, remember. You and me forever, I love you so much baby, you’re my whole world” Dex punctuates with a kiss. 

“I’m gonna reheat the Chinese for dinner, that sounds good” Dex asks 

“Sure” 

Dex heads to the kitchen and works on reheating their food while Nursey moves to call his mother again.

“Ammi I’m sorry about my outburst”

“Good” she responds “it was incredibly rude and I’m just trying to do what I think that’s best for the family” 

“And I’m trying to do what’s best for Nadia” Nursey says unable to keep the anger from his voice. “Anyway I just called to inform you about the details” he barreled on not letting his mother interrupt “I set everything up with the crematorium and we set the wake up at the back room of Alfonso's starting at three p.m until 6:30p.m, and I’ll be sending out the invites to all our close family and friends later tonight and me and Dex will be arriving in New York at Saturday night and staying at a hotel” Nursey finishes running out of breath, he considers just hanging up but decided that it’s not worth it and just begins to pick his nails while he waits for ammi to respond. 

“So that’s it? Do you really think that you’re the only person in this family. I can’t believe that you went and planned this whole thing without asking for my input” 

“This wasn’t for you ammi, I’m only doing what Nadia wanted, and I will only be doing what Nadia wanted ammi and I’m sorry if that hurts you but that’s what happens” he says beginning to raise his voice. 

“Ok then” his mother says, her voice distant and cold. “If that’s how it's gonna be. I guess I’ll see you Sunday” 

“I guess I’ll see you then” he says hanging up. 

Dex enters the room sometime during the commotion and brings the food down and Nursey doesn’t even bother to try and eat this time despite Dex’s protests he just lays back down and focuses on the plot of the sitcom that was on the tv. Eventually Nursey drifts off to sleep and this time he wakes up crying. He had the same nightmare again, he still can’t get the image of his sister going through the windshield and lying on the pavement all alone out of his head and every time he closes his eyes he sees that scene play out again and again. His cries wake Dex up and he hugs him tightly through it all. Slowly and stuttering through it Nursey tells Dex about his nightmare and how he’s too scared to fall asleep because he can’t see that again. So Dex decides that they aren’t going to stay up; they watch old reruns of Malcolm in the Middle till the sun comes up.  
Today they’re going to be driving down to New York City and get the ashes and everything ready for the wake. Nursey goes to pack their things and Dex sets on making them travel mugs of coffee and some sustenance. They meet back in the living room, their blankets are still scattered all over the room, and share a soft and sweet kiss before they head out the door. As soon as Nursey gets behind the wheel he begins to hyperventilate. Every time he looks at the steering wheel he sees the image of his sister being thrown through the windshield and has to shut his eyes. Dex maneuvers him into the passenger seat and stands right outside the door holding his hands until Nursey can finally breathe again and they set off. Nursey turns on the radio and hears Bruce Springsteen voice float through the car.  
He continues to look outside the window and sips his coffee as he watches the skyline and the mountains pass by. Finally they stop for gas and Nursey gets out and stretches finally stopping to eat the trail mix that Dex had packed for them. They finish the last leg of the road trip and they pull up in front of the hotel. Nursey relishes the ambient noise of the city and the cars honking as they move to get their things out of the car. They settle into their hotel room and order room service for the night, too tired to go out and get food.  
After they eat Nursey and Dex move to grab a shower together. Nothing sexual just the general act of being close, of not having to be alone. Dex washes Nursey softly soaping his back and massaging the shampoo into his hair. Nursey softens under his ministrations and is thankful cause he can’t remember the last time that he remembered to shower. After they get out Dex takes great care to dry Nursey with a warm towel and wraps him up, and Nursey just feels safe. They dress in their pajamas and kiss for a bit, soft and sweet, lacking any real heat before they fall asleep with the sound of tv in the background, wrapped up in one another.  
The next morning Nursey wakes before Dex and opens the window to let the sounds of New York fill the room. He works on writing the eulogy for his sister's wake, something he’s been putting off for the longest time. He knows that he’s a writer but he doesn’t think that he has the words to describe how much his sister meant to him. How she used to chase his monsters away when he was younger, and patch him up after he fell or a particularly rough game of hockey. The person whom he shared everything with and was the only person who really knew what it was like to grow up in their family, who made his house a home.  
But he tries and tries and keeps trying because if anyone deserves a beautiful eulogy it’s his sister. Him and Dex set about preparing everything for the wake and Dex helps Nursey get into his suit. He buttons up his shirt and moves to tie his tie for him and Nursey relishes in the closeness that they share. Finally they pack up their stuff and stop to grab his sisters ashes and head to the wake. They get there early to help set up the wake. They sit and wait, Dex extending his hand to Nursey as a show of support.  
The funeral passes by in a blur. A barrage of passive aggressive comments from ammi, and fights between all three of his parents. He says his speech, he cries, and laughs, and reminisces about the memories of his sister. Aptly aware that his sister is gone, but still here. Still so present in the heart of everyone who loves her and through it all Dex is at his side. He’s bringing him food, holding his hand, maneuvering Nursey through his conversations with his parents. Nursey realizes that he hasn’t had to do any of this alone. That Dex is gonna be here and he’s gonna love him through it all. And one day the grief and pain that Nursey will begin to subside and he’ll have more room for the love he holds for his sister. It’s not yet, probably not for a long time, but Nursey still has forever.  
After the wake Nursey and Dex decide to drive back home, neither of them keen on spending another night in a hotel. They decide to stop by the ocean and spread her ashes before they head home. They drive back up and stop by a beach in Connecticut that his sister used to love. Nursey unbuckles his seatbelt and moves to grab the ashes. The beach is dark and cold due to the November chill. Nursey toes his shoes off at the edge of the pavement and continues through the sand barefoot. The sand feels cold and soft between his feet and Nursey loves the way it feels as it passes through their toes.  
Both of them head towards the beach falling into step with one another like they always do. As they reach the ocean Nursey lets out a deep breath as he stares into the ocean, he’s always taken away by the vastness of the ocean every time he sees it. It is so big and beautiful. It feels like it's full of contradictions and full of beauty and Nursey doesn’t think that anything could ever rival its beauty. Nursey remembers that when he was younger Nadia used to tell him stories about the ocean, she used to dream of being a mermaid, or a fisherman, or pirate just somewhere out at see so it seems fitting to scatter her ashes there. Letting her scatter around the ocean and meld into this new environment and finally becoming a part of the ocean.  
Dex squeezes his hand 3 times before Nursey unwraps the urn to scatter the ashes and Nursey says a silent prayer of love and safety for his sister before letting her go. They stand under the moonlight and watch the waves lap the shore for a while longer. Before heading back, before heading home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank You so much for reading <3 you can come say hi to me on tumblr at @willdexington


End file.
